Pizza in the Morning, Pizza in the Evening, Pizza at Suppertime

Since I arrived in Buenos Aires a week ago, I have been eating pizza non stop.

At the hostel at which I am staying, the proprietor, an African American knicnamed Obama by the local Chinese grocer because he couldn´t pronounce his name Melvin, told me that ``Portenos (natives of Buenos Aires) think that they have pizza down...they don´t.``  I assumed he was being overly dramatic in this denunciation of the local pizza.  After all, Buenos Aires has a healthy population of people of Italian descent as Eye Tie immigrants came here by the hundreds of thousands, if not millions, in the early 20th century.  So how bad could it be?  I decided to find out by taking a whilrwind tour of BA pizza.

If this foray into the world of Buenos Aires `za was to be scientifically accurate, I would have to order it for every meal, ensuring I was getting a sufficient cross section of the different pizzas the city had to offer.  My first pizza experience came on my first night.  It was midnight, I hadn´t eaten all day, and I had traversed much of the city by foot.  I felt pretty confident that if they put Elios frozen pizza in front of me I would have devoured it (that´s actually a pretty unfair swipe at Elios.  I considered it to be haute cuisine when I was young. To this day I still buy carts full of Jack´s frozen pies when Jewell does a 10 pies for 10 dollars special).  Unfortunately, St. Paul´s Elementary school cafeterias friday pizza would have been an upgrade at this place.  The crust was so cardboard like that even J. Patrick Doyle, the CEO of Dominos pizza and star of their highly successful new advertising campaign, would scoff at it (of course he has more confidence to scoff now, what with their revamped crust and `revolutionary` parmesan bread bites (Lori goes crazy whenever that commercial comes on ``They are just putting cheese on the bread!  How is that something special?!?!`` she will scream.  Then she turns the channel back to RuPauls Drag Race and is immediately mollified).  A bigger problem than the cardboard crust was the virtually non existent sauce.  Polly-O string cheese used to boast that the mozarella was the best part of the pizza.  I never questioned that logic as a I youth, but as a wizened afficionado of pizza I now see that even the best part of the pizza is nothing without a good crust and sauce.  Its like having Lebron (the mozarella) with a terrible supporting cast comprised of Mike Miller and Eddy Curry (the sauce and crust respectively).  It basically amounts to disgraceful early exits from the playoffs (is that reference still applicable?  I´ve been too busy eating pizza and drinking Malbec to check out espn lately).  So on a scale of Speedway Gas Station slices to Tarantellas with Famous Original Rays somewhere in the middle, I put that first Buenos Aires pie slightly below Little Cesars Hot and Ready.  However, what they lack in culinary skill and proper ingredients, they more than make up for in consistency.  Literally every pizza I have had subsequent to that first pie has tasted more or less the same.  Same weak crust, decent mozarella, and a dearth of sauce. 

Now that Lori is arriving tomorrow (along with her superior knowledge of Spanish), I can now diversify what I eat.  Perhaps a tour of the different steaks and meats offered by the city is up next....                

Wedding Weekend Travel Guide

"I'd like to thank Chicago for single-handedly keeping the following American big-city traditions alive: smoking, drinking during the day, eating terrible food, congeniality and breasts. It's noble work you're doing, Chicago. We're all proud of you." - Bill Simmons

Dear family, friends, and plus ones:

In order to make your stay in Chicago a more enjoyable one, we’ve compiled a variety of lists that might prove useful over the next couple of days. Should you find yourself with some time on your hands and looking for something to do, or you’ve got a hankering for some food, we’ve got you covered. The “things to do” list will take you all over the city. However, the restaurants I’ve chosen are pretty close to the hotel (while some are walkable, others are very short cab rides away). If you’re feeling adventurous and would like to wander farther away from the hotel to eat, be sure to ask for some other recommendations.

Things To Do?

North Avenue Beach – Spend a morning relaxing on the beach (just a short ride from the hotel) before dancing all night. The North Ave. Beach boasts great views of downtown in addition to its awesome people watching potential. Bathing beauties, families, and raving lunatics all converge to make this one of the most unique beaches you will ever see. If you’re feeling bold, try to get in on one of the beach volleyball games going on, but a word of caution, they take their v-ball very seriously.

The Lakefront Trail – Don’t feel like sitting on the beach? Rent a bike and ride along the lakefront trail. You get all the benefits of going to the beach (looking at attractive people, being amused by lunatics, watching intense games of beach v-ball) while also getting in a workout. If interested, there are bike rentals all along the lakefront trail. One rental place is at North Ave Beach (312-729-1000312-729-1000 begin_of_the_skype_highlightingend_of_the_skype_highlighting). If biking isn’t your thing and you’d like to get a jog in, the lakefront trail is definitely the way to go. Just think of it as a giant Rockland Lake, but the hillbillies riding bikes on the trail will be from Milwaukee, not Congers. And they’ll be riding these enormous four person tourist bikes that look like manual powered golf carts that take up the whole trail and get in your way while you’re trying to work out.

Shedd Aquarium , The Field Museum, Soldier Field – If you choose to rent a bike and ride it along the lakefront trail, you can ride south past downtown to reach these three locations sitting next to each other on Lake Michigan. The Shedd is a great aquarium and the Field Museum is a poor man’s Museum of Natural History (that’s a little harsh. It’s actually a great museum. I just didn’t think you’d understand what I meant if I wrote it’s a middle class man’s Museum of Natural History).

Architecture Boat Tour – Make your way to Navy Pier (really it’s the only reason to go to Navy Pier. In fact, other than going to catch this tour, avoid Navy Pier at all costs unless your idea of a good time is eating at a Bubba Gump’s next to a hillbilly family from Wisconsin wearing matching Badger sweat suits that are soaked through due to their short ride on their four person bike) and sign up for a boat cruise through downtown. Among other things, you’ll learn how Chicago got its name and how engineers altered the Chicago River so we could send our pollution downstream to St. Louis. Ultimately this pleasant cruise proves to be educational, interesting, and a good way to see the city.

The Art Institute – Another great museum that I can only describe by comparing it to a comparable one in New York. I’m not sure if this shows my bias, my lack of creative writing skills, or both. At any rate, it boasts a vast and impressive collection that is on par with the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Taste of Randolph Street Festival – Chicago in the summer means one thing: street festivals and lots of them. After being stuck inside for months, people flock to the streets to commune and enjoy the nice weather. Each neighborhood has its own festival, and this weekend the West Loop will be hosting its big outdoor party. The West Loop has some great eating options, so there promises to be some pretty good street food vendors, hip bands, and shopping to be done at this particular festival.

Lincoln Park Zoo - It's close to the hotel and it's free!

Free Workout in Millennium Park – Worried about all the calories you are going to put on at the wedding? Start your Saturday with a free workout in downtown’s Millennium Park. Yoga at 8, Pilates at 9, and something called Zumba at 10.

Places To Eat?

Thursday/Friday Evening Dinner:

DMK Burger Bar (2954 N. Sheffield) – You can’t walk twenty feet without stumbling over a new burger bar that has just opened. But this one stands out. I’ve tried pretty much everything on the menu, and you can’t go wrong with any of the burgers. Also be sure to sample their craft cocktails.

Riccardo Trattoria (2119 N. Clark) – This intimate place serves outstanding Italian good.

Tango Sur (3763 N. Southport Ave) – A very good Argentinian BYOB steak place.

Crisp (2940 N. Broadway) – Awesome chicken wings, Korean style. Very quick and casual eating.

Wishbone (3300 N. Lincoln Ave) – Excellent Soul food, good for both dinner and brunch.

Icosium Kafe (2433 N. Clark St.)/La Creperie (2845 N. Clark St) – How did two Crepe places within walking distance of each other both make this list? They both got good recommendations, so check them out if you have a craving for crepes. Icosium is a BYOB.

Café BaBaReeba (2024 N. Halsted St.) – Spanish Tapas restaurant good for big raucous groups due to its festive atmosphere. Reservations are probably needed on a busy weekend night though. Also good for brunch.

Saturday Morning Brunch:

Frances’ Restaurant and Deli (2552 N. Clark) – A Jewish deli with that is accommodating to families and big groups. They enormous sandwiches and receive high praise for their brunch fare.

Wishbone (3300 N. Lincoln Ave) – One of Lori’s favorite places for brunch. They make pretty good Soul and Cajun/Creole food.

Stanley’s Kitchen and Tap (1970 N. Lincoln Ave) – Famous for good comfort food and big Bloody Marys that nurture you back to health after a long night out the previous evening.

Café BaBaReeba (2024 N. Halsted St.) – Spanish tapas bar with excellent Sangria, good food, and festive atmosphere. Good for brunch and dinner.

Orange (2413 N. Clark St) – Good breakfast food but more importantly a vast array of fresh squeezed juices for mimosa flights, greyhounds, and screwdrivers.

Time to kill after the ceremony?

All of the following places are on Lincoln Ave. To get to Lincoln Ave, turn left when you exit the church and walk roughly two blocks. Then turn left to go north on Lincoln.

Merz Apothecary (4716 N. Lincoln Ave.) – Visit Lori’s store! Celebrating its 135^th anniversary, Merz Apothecary is Chicago's premier destination for holistic and homeopathic wellness. They also offer an unparalleled selection of natural health and beauty products from around the world.

Huttenbar (4721 N. Lincoln Ave.) – Enjoyed the German beer you were drinking at the rehearsal dinner? Have fond memories of sipping on a particular German brew on a beautiful summer day in the Astoria Beer Garden? Well, this place has just about any German beer you can think of. Ask the beautiful, tattooed bartender about her experiences as a professional Roller Derby player. She might put you in a head lock for doing so, but at least you’ll have an entertaining story to tell at the cocktail hour.

The Grafton (4530 N. Lincoln Ave.) – Take a break from all the German-themed restaurants and beers that have inexplicably come to characterize this weekend, and have a delicious pint of Guinness at this cozy and relaxing Irish bar. If you like spoiling your dinner like I do, order the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich. You will love the soft pretzel roll it comes on. For the rest of your life you will be upset that the pathetic sandwich you’re eating isn’t on a pretzel roll from the Grafton.

Latitude Kitchen and Cocktails (4500 N. Lincoln Ave) – Enjoy one of Latitudes many microbrews on their pleasant outdoor patio.

Other establishments with outdoor seating on Lincoln Ave: The Daily Bar and Grill, Bad Dog Tavern, Starbucks, Potbelly’s Sandwich Company (no alcohol), Costello’s Sandwiches (no alcohol).

The Complete History of Events that Transpired Since I've Last Written (Abridged)

I’m sure many of you have noticed the extended hiatus that the staff writers at JC-Bot have taken. I’d like to tell you that wedding planning and a busy work schedule were the driving forces behind this hiatus yet that would simply not be the truth. In actuality, the laziness that inspired the hiatus is also preventing me from offering a plausible excuse for this long absence. So let's skip the excuses and get you caught up on what has been going on around here. The following is a brief timeline of notable events:

October 16, 2010 – The writers and support staff at JC-Bot travel to Madison to see the feisty Badgers knock off the #1 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes on the gridiron. While this outcome was monumental, I still contend that the bigger upset came when those who took the under cashed in big on the “How many orders of cheese curds will the Toms consume throughout weekend: over/under 5.5” prop bet that Vegas was offering. How we didn't easily hit the over in the curd capital of the universe baffles me to this day. The highlight of the trip was certainly storming the field with tens of thousands of Wisconsin undergrads. However, for as young as I felt at that moment, sprinting joyfully towards the jubilant crowd congregated at the fifty yard line, I was harshly brought back to reality by a 12 year old girl. Unleashing an overly exaggerated eye roll and speaking in a tone of voice usually reserved for a particularly embarrassing father, this scornful tween put me back in my place saying “Put your shirt back on, old man. No one wants to see that.”

October 31, 2010 – Our first Halloween in our new house was disturbing to say the least. I like to think of myself as pretty easy-going for the most part. When a twenty-year old mother wants to use her infant child as ploy to get free candy, who am I to point out that the child doesn’t even have teeth with which to chew the candy? When two Columbine-looking teenagers want to hold a mock fight with very real sledge hammers and pitchforks, who am I to shoe them off of my lawn? However, I have to draw the line at the 11 year old boy in the Rastafarian costume. Now I’m always one for celebrating diversity, but I took exception with him completing his costume with some shoe polish. That’s right, in addition to his fake dreads and tie-died shirt, this kid was parading around our neighborhood in black face! I don’t even want to begin to explore the implications that this holds for our new neighborhood, so let’s just move on.

December, 2010 – While hosting a series of Football Sunday Fundays at the house, it finally dawns on me that our unfinished attic can be converted into a beer-pong room. Lori subsequently puts a divorce lawyer on retainer.

January, 2011 – The priest officiating our wedding ceremony uses the lion’s share of our initial meeting to tell us about his experiences heading up the church office assigned to ferret out pederast priests. Lori subsequently gets very nervous about the material he plans on using for the homily at our wedding.

February 14^, 2011 – We spend Valentine’s Day (and our anniversary) at a DePaul undergrad bar with amazingly cheap car bombs. In the last month, people have taken to calling me the Mayor at this particular establishment. I’m not sure if I should feel honored or ashamed. So long as I refrain from wearing truckers hats (real ones, not the ironic, hipster kind), flannel shirts, and a Unabomber beard, I'm confident I won’t begin to resemble the original "Mayor," the hirsute townie who holds court at T-Bones and Pie Man in Valley Cottage. If I can successfully keep from resembling the VC Mayor, then this nickname hopefully won’t devolve into one of derision for me (after examining the last two sentence it appears I’m already 1/3 of the way there. This makes me nervous). On the other hand, if I continue to beat up on 20 years old sophomores in car bomb contests, I’m pretty sure the nickname will retain positive connotations. That being said, Lori subsequently puts her divorce lawyer on speed dial.

Now March is here, and I will be forced to try to make important wedding decisions during the 20 second timeouts of college basketball games. In fact, let’s try to handle one important decision right now. We are currently trying to compile a list of “Must play” songs for the dj. While we can not guarantee that your song will make the list, we’d like to hear what your thoughts on the matter. Use the comments section to help us generate some ideas for this list!