These Little Town Blues Are Melting Away...

In my last post I promised an account of our shorts-staining trip to Costa Rica. However, immediately after making said promise I was promptly slammed with a ton of reading for school, leaving me very little time to keep you updated on my comings and goings.

However, while I’m disappointed that school has prevented me from writing, my countless hours spent locked up in the ivory tower hasn’t been a total loss. A great benefit to being back at school is the millions of interesting tidbits that I’ve learned while skimming the thounsands of pages of reading that have been assigned. I’ve found that these tidbits are a huge hit at cocktail parties (ok…they are a huge hit at the dive bars I frequent, but I wanted to sound sophisticated). For example, did you know that the two most common crimes committed by widows in 17th century colonial society were unlicensed liquor sales and fornication? I had no idea that these colonial ladies were so down to party. It’s well-documented that Martha Washington was a hip, hip lady, but other than that I figured the puritanical partying was kept to a minimum. However, these gals actually make our modern day Cougars look rather tame.

I’ve also been busy frequenting teacher happy hours. While I enjoy half priced drinks and lukewarm trays filled with potato skins and mozzarella sticks just as much as the next educator, I’m actually not attending these functions for pleasure. My goal is to ingratiate myself with the faculty of a high school and eventually earn their trust. Once I’ve done so, I plan on getting a young, female teacher really drunk and then having one of her co-workers try to seduce and impregnate her. I’ve taken to this unorthodox style of matchmaking because it seems like the only way I will get a public school job in this city. After conception has been confirmed, I will quickly send my resume to the school’s principal, thereby being the first to apply for a job that will most certainly become available in seven to eight months. While these tactics are certainly despicable and unscrupulous, I’m willing to be as despised as the Luna guy is in Chicago in order to finally get a job. If everything works out according to my plan, I figure the Luna guy and I can buy some friends with our newfound riches. Between my teacher’s salary and the savings he got on his new flooring, we should be able to convince people to hang out with us despite our damaged reputations in this town.

My unemployment as an ESL teacher is made all the more frustrating by the fact that there are World Series M.V.P.s walking around, not knowing a lick of English after nearly a decade in this country! If anyone has an in with 2009 World Series Champions or happens to visit the Canyon of Heroes, feel free to pass along my resume!