A Commitment to Last a Lifetime

As many of you know by now, Lori and I have some HUGE news. We’ve decided that after seven years of dating, we are finally ready to make a commitment that will last for eternity: we are going to get a lifetime membership to the Y. It just makes so much sense from an economic standpoint. In other news, we’ve also decided to get married. I know this may come as a shock to most of you. I bet many of you are thinking A. “Weren’t they already common law married by now?” B. “I can’t believe she said ‘Yes.’ She’s way out of his league” or C. “I thought he was gay.” Well, what can I say? If you had one of those reactions then you had a 66.6% chance of being 100% accurate.

Many of you have been wondering how the proposal went down, so I thought I’d satiate everyone’s curiosity with a blog post. To fully understand the intricacies of the proposal, I first need to give you some background information on the early days of our relationship.

For those of you who lived in the Bronx back in the early 2000s, you’ll recall that Lori and I started dating my senior year of college. I don’t remember much from the spring semester of that year. This was due in large part to the 800 dollar credit card bill that I racked up at Mount Carmel Wine and Spirits in the first month that we started dating. I think I was trying to impress Lori and more importantly get on the good side of her friends with my extravagant liquor purchases, but it’s more likely that the lion’s share of that drinking was done in my basement with my friend Matt while betting each other chugs of Jameson on the outcome of Madden 2002 plays(Regardless of the cause of the exorbitant bill, it landed me in hot water with my mother because my credit cards statements were still being sent home at that point. I got a scolding, but my mother’s anger must not have resonated because I promptly went out that same day and put 300 dollars worth of liquor on my card for the Princeton Men’s Lacrosse team. It occurs to me that that last sentence sounds pretty gay, but I assure you I was just trying to help them out on their 4 hour post-game bus ride. It was my friend Pete who acted a little suspicious when he kept on making remarks like, “Did you tell the Princeton boys I helped you get the booze?” and “I wish I could ride the bus back with the Princeton boys!”).

Despite the the massive credit card bill and the havoc it caused, I do have a few clear memories of senior year. I remember that my hair was quite long and that I was referred to, on more than one occasion, as “Air Jesus” on the intramural basketball court. I remember having a steamy, homo-erotic relationship with my physics professor, Dr. Mancini (Oh wait. That wasn't me. That was my roommate Ed). I remember wearing the same velour jumpsuit five days a week.

But most of all, I remember our first date in vivid detail. It was Valentine’s Day, and I told Lori that I would cook her dinner. She must have been skeptical of me because when I arrived at her apartment that evening, I discovered that I was actually cooking a romantic dinner for three. I was uninformed that her roommate and best-friend Maureen would be joining us (Subsequently, this third wheel would become a permanent fixture in our relationship. Maureen was there for many our firsts. For example, in addition to our first date, she was there the first time we polished off an entire crave case from White Castle, although Moe was of little use eating only three of the 30 sliders. She was also there the first time I bought Lori an engagement ring. Thanks for the help, Moe!). When we started eating that night, the two of them became even more skeptical of me. But it wasn’t because of how I was behaving, but rather they were stunned by the transcendent nature of the chicken parm that I made. They both insisted that my mother must have prepared the meal.

To this day, Lori does not believe that I made that chicken parm myself. So I thought that on the night that I proposed, I would once again make her the same meal I had made nearly 7 years earlier to the day. When she got home from work last Saturday to find that dinner was made, she was not the least bit suspicious. She knows full well my love of fried cutlets, and therefore thought nothing of the tray of chicken keeping warm in the oven. I thought cracking open a two dollar bottle of Charles Shaw Merlot from Trader Joe’s would give her an indication that this night was a little more special, but she surprisingly still didn’t get the hint. Finally when she asked for dessert, I found my opportunity to give her the ring. Earlier in the day the jeweler had given me a complimentary box of chocolates. Apparently when you drop a boat load of cash on a diamond they’ll throw in some cheap candy and a bottle of jewelry cleaner as a token of their gratitude. So I decided to hide the ring in the box of chocolates for Lori to find. Luckily she said yes, and I set about the task of devouring the box of chocolate.

When dessert was finished, I took her to a wine bar where I had arranged for a bunch of our friends to meet us. After the hugs and congratulatory remarks, the night began to spiral out of control. Married life must be taking its toll on me already because I passed out at a bar for the first time since I was 19. I now regret mocking all of you who became really lame post-nuptials because I finally understand the deleterious effect marriage, or at least the threat it, can have!

As far as our wedding plans go, first and foremost, we must decide on the evening’s entertainment. I’m trying to decide if we should book the Non-Jovis (the Bon Jovi cover band that I front) or these guys. Check out their two new videos: Dead Celebrities and 96 Beers (there’s even an homage to me in one of them if you keep your eyes peeled).

Please weigh in on the comments section with your thoughts on the evening’s entertainment, advice on what we should have at our wedding, or anything else you think might be helpful to us as we start to plan this thing!

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