To Ease Her Pain, I will Go the Distance: My Jaunt Through Iowa

I’m happy to report that my days of homelessness are finally over! Even though the renovations are not yet complete, Lori and I have been able to spend the past week in our new house. While I’m certainly happy to be sleeping in my own bed, I was not prepared mentally for the fact that my transition from carefree, couch-surfing bachelor to engaged homeowner would bring about such an onslaught of new responsibilities so quickly. For example, now that we have officially moved in, the wildly out-of-control weeds, grass, and shrubs were no longer a laughing matter, but rather a serious indictment against us as homeowners. Every time I tried to rectify the situation, I was quickly overwhelmed by the enormity of the landscaping task at hand, and I promptly found an excuse to abort the mission. However, I was afraid that if I didn’t take care of this situation, we would quickly become known as the hillbillys of the neighborhood. I suspect the neighbors have already begun referring to us as the "Ewells" or some other fictitious family of trashballs. And trust me, earning that kind of nickname in this neighborhood is no small feat. It’s quite an accomplishment being known as the trashiest family in a neighborhood that features a public pool that is frequented by Pollocks in their underwear. The lifeguards there have a hell of a time trying to convince these big-headed Euros that tighty-whities do not qualify as swimsuits.

Eventually I couldn’t procrastinate any longer. Our annual block party was quickly approaching, and our house happens to be at the epicenter of the festivities. So with the prospect of the entire neighborhood congregating in front of our house, I was finally shamed into doing something about the lawn. Cutting six inches of grass with a non-electric push mower is a pretty tall order, but I eventually got through it. Now I’m confident we’ll no longer be the Ewells, and I can assume some other persona. In fact, I’m fairly certain we’re quickly gaining a reputation as the neighborhood exhibitionists. After all, during the block party one of our neighbors commented, “I’m glad to see you finally bought a lawn mower. Now you just need to buy some drapes and you’ll be all set.” In my defense, we did go shopping for drapes so my neighbors wouldn’t have to see me in my birthday suit every morning and most afternoons (I get pretty hot and sweaty watching the Tour De France, but I think that’s a topic best left unexplored). However, as we were shopping, I asked several times “Do you think these drapes will match our carpets?” while giggling uncontrollably. About the fifth time I posed this question Lori got fed up and walked out of store, and we were unable to accomplish anything with regard to covering our windows.

Perhaps the drapes-shopping incident proves that I’m not mature enough to be a homeowner. For this reason I’ve decided to skip town and allow Lori to make all the big decisions regarding decorating and arranging our furniture. As I told you in my last blog entry, I will be taking my sophomoric humor on a bike ride across Iowa. In lieu of tending to my property, I have been training rather arduously for this ride. Though some have questioned BBK's training methods (apparently serious bikers don't end each ride by trying drink the same amount of calories that they just burned), riding with my krew has gotten me to the point where I can ride well over 40 miles without much difficulty at all. Now if I can just figure out a way to do two of those 40 mile rides in one day I’ll be all set for Ragbrai. However, I’m pretty sure that if I ever hit a wall and I feel like I won’t be able to finish all 450 miles, the thought of dancing blissfully to this band on the last day will get me through.

Despite my trepidation, I’m excited for the trip. I’m going to try to update the blog daily (or whenever we're in a town that has free WIFI somewhere), so be on the lookout for that in the week to come!